Here it goes:
Deserves to be fired/thrown in a jail cell with a donkey, an elephant and other angry partisan symbols –
1. Senator Barbara Feinstein. Thank you for bleating like the liberal donkey you are on every issue. Can anyone spell “knee-jerk”?
2. Senator Rick Santorum. Despite your purist intentions, a ban on sex is not really what this country needs.
3. Senator John Kerry. To vote or not to vote. That is the question. Please answer it before deciding on whether we go to war, legalize gay marriage, establish an immigration system, etc.
4. Senator John Kyl. No, the president really doesn’t have the authority to just waive that whole “shall be secure in their persons” thing without the approval of a secret court established by the president, composed of shifty-looking men in trench coats.
Deserves to be promoted to the White House and put in charge of defending America-
1. Senator John McCain. Whether tormenting Bush on his torture policy, researching the merits of stem cells or bringing people into his wise immigration plans, he has done an excellent job of speaking for the majority of Americans.
2. Senator Joseph Lieberman. Anyone with enough convictions to vote for the Iraq War in one of the most dovish states clearly has principles. He’s been fighting for families, organized labor and small woodland mammals for years, most recently by trimming back the Bushes that have overrun their homes.
3. Senator Rudy Giuliani. Thanks for being America’s hero back on September 11th. Your work in the Congress has…no…wait a minute…oh crap. Never mind.
4. Senator Colin Powell. I wish. Sigh. (Far-off look in Matt’s eyes)
5. Senator Joseph Biden. I think we know who has the best name around here. Joe times two! Another man unafraid to advocate for national security AND civil liberties, as well as a fair economic plan. What a shockingly refreshing combination.
6. Senator Matt. He’s a sexy beast, all right.